


Sometimes, I Wish That Was Me

by ThatDestielShipper



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crypt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Hogwarts Crypt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Shitty Family, Sirius Cries In A Crypt, Sirius cries, The Black Family Suck, how do you tag, seriously, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:01:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24672763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatDestielShipper/pseuds/ThatDestielShipper
Summary: “As he made his way across the room, he stared around, noticing the 4 caskets etched into the walls, just about making out the names of the founders carved into the front of each. Coming round the fountain he found his best friend laid down across a stone bench, his head against the ornately curved armrest, eyes shut, cheeks wet with a few tears that had started to escape.“Pads?” He called. Sirius opened one eye,“Sit down then, stalker.””-My return after 4/5 years, lockdowns given me time to write, be kind (:
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60





	Sometimes, I Wish That Was Me

**Author's Note:**

> So as I said in in the description, this is my first fic in, what, 5 years? I work a lot, sleep the rest, haven’t had that inspiration to write in a very long time.  
> But I’ve had this quote rattling round in my brain for a few years, it’s one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite bands. And I finally decided to do something with it, seeing as I’ve had heaps of time off for this lockdown. At least I can say I was somewhat productive in these 3 months, haha  
> I’m gonna admit this is a little rough, like I said it’s been a long time, I’m rusty as hell, some parts are super clunky, I’m not sure how well it flows. But I didn’t want it to be sitting in my notes for 2 years after I spent like 5 days on and off on it.  
> Constructive criticism is very welcome, but please be kind, lockdown has made me an emotional wreck.  
> Im gonna stop babbling now,  
> Enjoy x
> 
> PS, I’m bad at titles and summaries, so thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt haha

_ “You took me walking through the town _

_ Showed me the statues underground _

_ Said just don't they look in peace _

_ Sometimes I wish that was me” _

Bears Den - Above The Clouds of Pompeii

———

The familiar  whoosh  of the post arriving didn’t elicit a response from Sirius, anyone he’d be excited to receive letters from were sat within touching distance of him at Gryffindor table. He jabbed a corner of his toast into the yolk of his egg as James’s family owl,  Jespere,  settled on the bench next to him, a large box grasped in its claws. James shooed him out of the way, and pulled the box toward him, shucking the wrapping quickly and flipping the lid, atop the tissue papered contents was a short letter, the boy scanned the letter as he chewed a mouthful of bacon. Sirius did his best not to envy his best friend, it wasn’t his fault he was lucky enough to have parents that cared, that sent him new clothes and sweets almost weekly; Sirius’s own parents rarely spoke to him when he was home these days, let alone send a letter whilst he was at Hogwarts.

“Mum says you can stay for Christmas, Pads, oh and there’s some Liquorish-“ he broke off as an envelope clipped Sirius’s ear and landed on his plate, scattering what was left of his breakfast. 

Sirius, James, Remus and Peter, who were both sitting opposite, stared at the envelope shocked. Not once had the eldest Black brother received a letter from his mother, and this letter was no doubt from his mother with her spiky cursive scrawled across the front, the 4 boys had seen letters delivered to Regulus across the hall a handful of times, but never once had the tawny owl dropped any kind of correspondence to Sirius. After a few long seconds of staring, Sirius picked up the envelope and slowly slid a finger under the obnoxiously large wax seal. His friends averted their eyes, James returning to reading the note from his mother, Remus went back to proofreading Peters Charms essay as the boy looked on. Sirius was quietly grateful for them, they wouldn’t ask unless he brought it up, and they’d give him the privacy to deal with it however he needed; 3 years of sharing a dorm and hearing his nightmare fuelled moans assure him of that much. 

He shook the letter open, and read,

_ Sirius, _

_ Your choice to continue to fraternise with bloodtraitors and mudbloods continues to be a great disappointment. You were raised better than this.  _

_ I have written to Dumbledore demanding he move you to Slytherin, the halfbreed loving coot refused. So it is down to you to make better choices.  _

_ You continue to be a stain on this families great name. Find more appropriate friends, and rebuild the reputation you’ve tarnished, or find somewhere else to call home. _

_ Your Mother. _

A lump rose in Sirius’s throat. He wadded the letter and stuffed it in the front pocket of his robes, and without looking at any of his friends, stood up and left the Great Hall, his head bent so no one would see the crushed look of rejection on his face. He glanced toward his brother as he left, the fact he was unabashed, carefree, laughing at something the girl next to him had said, somehow made Sirius feel worse. Which made him feel worse still for envying him, it wasn’t his fault that he was the light of their mothers life. 

Sirius walked blindly out of the hall, veering off toward the staircases that took him down into the bowels of of the castle. He wanted to be alone, somewhere he could seethe in his rejection undisturbed. He paid no attention to the turns and corridors he took until he found himself halfway down an unusual staircase. This staircase was unusual for 2 reasons, first it was a tight spiral, which was not normal for the staircases of Hogwarts which were almost exclusively straight up to each landing; and second they looked barely trodden, unusual for a 1,000 year old castle. 

Sirius drew his wand, forgetting momentarily about his woes, whispered  Lumos  for there were no torches or windows, and continued his way down the stairs. 

The smell of dust hit him first, and then the brightness of enchanted blue flamed torches that hung from sconces around a cavernous room? Hall? Chamber? Sirius gaped at the chamber, the floor was made from dusty white marble, the walls compacted mud as if the room had been hewn directly out of the ground, with dark wooden struts supporting the ceiling. Carved into opposing walls, were four large square indentations, in each indentation was a rectangular marble casket, the likeness of the interred crafted atop. At the far end of the room, what looked like a fountain with 4 figures in the centre crafter out of the same marble. 

Lost for words as to what he had found, Sirius shuffled toward the closest casket, up close he saw etched into the side was the name  Helga Hufflepuff  and the round, smiling face of the founders statue slept silently on top. He looked to his left and saw another female statue atop the next casket, across the room what looked like 2 male statues lay atop their own caskets. Sirius frowned for a second, he hadn’t known Hogwarts had a crypt, and from the almost new condition of the stairs, nor did many others. 

Curiosity now getting the better of him, he walked the length of the room to what did turn out to be a grand marble fountain, the figures in the centre were clearly younger likenesses of the school founders, stood shoulder to shoulder, wands raised, water trickling from the tips, and from the ground between their feet. Rowena faced the length of the room, Salazar to her left, Helga to her right, and Godric behind. Sirius rounded the fountain oddly desperate to see the founder of his own house, glad when he saw there was a stone bench against the wall opposite. He sat down and gazed at the statue, rustling the letter in his pocket, and remembering why he’d stumbled into the crypt in the first place. 

Sirius leant back against the wall and allowed himself to feel the crushing weight of his mother rejection. Every worry and doubt and anxiety he repressed came to the surface. 

At first he hadn’t been purposefully defiant against his family, he remembered when he’d first sat on the stood waiting to be Sorted, he’d expected to be immediately sorted into Slytherin, something the hat remarked in his ear, but there was a small part of him that wanted to be sorted anywhere else. And when the Hat had loudly declared “Gryffindor!” he’d stumbled toward the red table with an uneasy feeling of guilty elation. And as his friendships grew within his house, and in others, the small rebellious part of him grew as well, and at the ripe old age of 13 he now despised most of his family and every thing they stood for. But that didn’t stop the guilt that occasionally crept up on him in the dark, or the feelings of rejection and abandonment that came after every interaction with any of the Blacks. There were some wounds that would never heal. 

Sirius stared at the face of the man who had founded the only place he’d ever found solace and acceptance, and allowed himself to cry for the family he wished he had, or maybe the son he wished he was.

***

“I’ve checked the greenhouses, the courtyard, by the lake and asked Hagrid whether he’s seen him go anywhere near the Forest, no luck.” James slid onto the bench next to Peter,

“Well I checked the common room, and the Astronomy Tower and poked my head in every classroom on my way down here, even though I have no idea why he’d be in any of them. I’ve got nothing either.” Peter replied taking a bite out of a Yorkshire pudding. Both boys looked up as Remus approached and flung himself down defeated opposite, 

“Library, kitchens, even asked some Ravenclaw 6th Years if he’d somehow snuck into their common room. They looked horrified, so that was a bust. Where the hell is he gone?” Remus pulled a Cornish pasty off the nearest tray and took a large bite, “I know the idiot likes his space when his parents are being arseholes, but he’s been gone all day. And no ones seen him. Slughorn looked almost annoyed when you said you didn’t know where he was, James, and McGonagall looked like she was gonna give  me detention when I said I hadn’t seen him since breakfast. What’s he playing at?” 

James smirked at his friend, Remus was often the mother hen of the group, though James would never tell him that. James was concerned about his absent friend, but he also knew how shitty Sirius’s mother was, and how much Sirius liked a good walk to clear his head. The only reason he and Peter had actively searched for Sirius was because Remus had spent the whole of their final lesson, Charms, lecturing them about how Sirius could be laying dead in a ditch, and they were terrible friends for not being more concerned. Remus didn’t actually think that, but he was worrier. 

“He’ll turn up Moons, chill out.” James tried to comfort him, to no avail. Remus was about to retort, when Peter pointed toward the doors, his mouth too full to speak. Sirius was slopping toward them, dust in his hair, but looking a whole lot more content than he had that morning. He sat down next to Remus and immediately pull a whole steak pie toward him, looking up only when he’d taken a bite, to find his three friends staring at him, incredulous. 

“Where the hell have you been?!” Remus hissed in what James would describe as his best angry mum voice. Sirius made eye contact with his best friend across the table and smirked knowing exactly what he’d been thinking.

“Around.” He answered, taking another mouthful of his pie. 

“What do you mean  _ around _ ?! You’ve had us, well me,” he corrected glaring at James and Peter, “worried all day!” 

Sirius felt a little guilty, he slung his arm around his friend, 

“I’m sorry alright, I just needed to clear my head a bit. Be on my own.” He explained. Remus rolled his eyes and shook his arm off,

“Just tell us next time, so we don’t worry. “ he muttered. Sirius nodded, as a mocking smile appeared on Remus’s face, he reached into his bag, “This is the homework you missed,” he told him, handing him a small stack of parchment, with a handwritten bulletpointed list of each task and it’s due date, “and McGonagall said next time you don’t show up to her lesson for no reason she’s gonna turn you into a teacup and donate you to a teashop.” 

Sirius rolled his eyes at his mothering friend, feeling lighter than he had, and secretly a little excited that he’s found his own special place.

* * *

“He’s going again.” Peter remarked quietly in Remus’s ear, who’d been reading an article in the Prophet about strange murders on the Scottish boarder. James had left early to coach the Quidditch team, and the remaining 3 Marauders had been finishing their breakfast, they were join Lily after to sit in the stands to shout encouragement and praise, hoping to boost morale before tomorrow’s final game against Ravenclaw. 

A few times a year, after receiving a shitty letter from his mother, or the few times Sirius had argued with Regulus, he’d disappear to god knows where, no where the map knew. And after the first time he’d disappeared he had been better at letting one of his friends know that he’d be back soon. But clearly todays letter was particularly terrible.

Remus folded his paper, “I’m going after him. He can’t keep shutting us out. And we’re getting a flat together for Christ sake.” He threw on his jacket and stuffed the last sausage from his plate in his mouth, “Go to the pitch with Lily, I’ll meet you there.” He told Peter, his mouth full. And he took off after Sirius, who had just turned left out of the hall doors. 

_We always give him space_ ,  Remus thought to himself, as he caught sight of the older boy near the bottom of the steps the lead toward the kitchens, _ In the past 4 years we’ve let him wander off everytime. But how are we supposed to live together, just the two of us if he won’t talk to me?  _ He continued to reason with himself. 

They were coming to the end of their time at Hogwarts; James and Lily had plans to move in together, Peter wanted to stay with his family for a few more years, and that had left Remus and Sirius. They’d been trawling the Daily Prophet for flats in magical communities, and they were both excited at the prospect of some freedom together. That’s not to say  together , Remus had caught himself making eyes at the prospect of all that alone time, and there had been a few times he’d thought Sirius had made those same eyes back, but neither of them had made any moves. And so Remus had resigned himself to never mention it, he didn’t want his friend to think that the only reason he’d suggested them living together was to get in his pants.

They were deep in the underbelly of the castle now, Remus tried to let Sirius stay ahead, hoping if he didn’t notice Remus following he’d finally discover Sirius’s hiding place. When it felt like they’d been walking forever, Sirius finally slipped out of sight, jogging to catch up Remus found himself at the top of a dark narrow spiral staircase. He lit his wand quietly, and started his way downward. 

Reaching the bottom, Remus marvelled at the beauty of the blue marble room. At first he thought he’d lost Sirius, maybe he hadn’t come down here. Until he saw movement at the far end of the chamber behind a beautiful white fountain. As he made his way across the room, he stared around, noticing the 4 caskets etched into the walls, just about making out the names of the founders carved into the front of each. Coming round the fountain he found his best friend laid down across a stone bench, his head against the ornately curved armrest, eyes shut, cheeks wet with a few tears that had started to escape. 

“Pads?” He called. Sirius opened one eye,

“Sit down then, stalker.” He smirked sadly, voice thick, and pulled his feet up so there was space at the end of bench, and once Remus had settled there, straightening them back out across his friend lap. “So you found my hiding place then.” He commented, closing his eyes again. Remus bit back his barrage of question about where they were and how Sirius had found it, instead he placed a tentative hand on his friends leg,

“Are you alright?” He asked. He could see Sirius roll his eyes under his eyelids,

“Spiffing Moons. Time of my life.” He lied. 

“Is that why you’re sulking in the crypt no one knew existed?” Remus teased, knowing he wasn’t going to get anywhere being stern and forthright. Sirius glared from squinted eyes, 

“I didn’t ask you to follow me.” 

“Well considering the year ends in 2 weeks I thought it’d be my last chance to see where it is you skulk off to.” He slowly began rubbing Sirius’s leg, hoping it was somewhat comforting. “Come on Pads, in a months time we’re gonna be living together, if you can’t tell me what’s wrong then what’s the point?” He tried again. 

Abruptly, Sirius pulled his legs away and sat up, thinking he’d gone too far, Remus tucked his hands into between his legs and shifted slightly away, not wanting to encroach on his friends space. Sirius handed him a letter he’d pulled from his jacket. Remus took it, 

“You sure?” He asked, he wanted to know what was wrong with his friend, but now the prospect of reading a personal letter felt like an invasion. Sirius grimaced and nodded. Remus turned so his back was leant against the armrest of the bench, crossing his legs. Sirius laid back down, this time with his head pillowed in Remus’s lap, he closed his eyes again, clearly waiting for Remus to read the letter. Remus unfolded the letter and read,

_ Sirius, _

_ Your father passed away last night. _

“Oh Padfoot.” Remus whispered, putting a hand on his shoulder, 

“It gets better.” said Sirius grimly.

_ I thought you ought to know, though you’ve demonstrated clearly these past few years that you most equivocally do not care for him or your family.  _

_ I have sent from your room whatever you haven’t childishly stuck down, to Hogwarts. This is no longer your home.  _

_ Your father died disappointed in you, and I to am disappointed in you. At this point there is little you could do to redeem yourself.  _

_ You are an adult now, and no longer my son.  _

_ Enjoy your life with bloodtraitors, mudbloods and half-breeds. _

_ Walburga Black _

Remus reread the letter a second time, incredulous that a mother could be so cruel. He put the letter down on the bench next to them, at a loss for words. He sighed, and awkwardly began stroking the top of Sirius’s head, at some point in the few minutes that had passed, the older boy had began crying silently again. 

For a long time they sat in silence, Sirius making no noise, tears tracking their way down his face, Remus now gently carding his fingers through his friends hair, occasionally muttering useless reassurances. 

“Guess I’m an orphan now then.” Sirius said finally, wiping his face on his jumper. Remus snorted, 

“Surely you know by now that you’ve got family here?” Sirius opened his eyes, squinting against the harsh light, 

“I know, it’s not the same though is it.” He raked a hand down his face, “I’m not trying to be ungrateful, I love you guys, it just hurts because she’s actually said it. Like I knew she felt it, but now it’s real.” Tears that had barely stopped coming we’re leaking from the corners of his eyes again. Remus wiped the side of his face with his sleeve. 

“I know.” he said softly, “I know.” Knowing there was little he could say in that moment that would make his friend feel better, “If it helps,” he tried, “once we move in together you’re not getting rid of me.” He smiled above Sirius’s face. Sirius managed half a smile, he reached up to cup the side of Remus’s face,

“I dunno what I’d do without you Moons.” He told him quietly, “James is my brother, you’re my best friend.” Remus moved his hand to hold Sirius’s against his cheek, hoping Sirius didn’t think he was taking advantage of the situation,

“They don’t know what they’re missing. You’re worth 10 of all of them.” He told the boy in his lap, knowing he sounded like a character from a muggle romance film. Sirius smiled, he let his thumb ghost over Remus’s lips. 

As if he hadn’t realised what he was doing, a look of panic flashed across his face, he dropped his hand and made to sit up. Remus gasped and shot forward, almost unbalancing Sirius as he sat round to face him, embarrassment plain on his face. 

“I’m, I’m sorry, I didn’t- I mean- I shouldn’t have-“ he cut off as Remus cupped his face in much the same way Sirius had done so seconds before. 

“Shut up Padfoot.” He laughed. Leaning forward so their foreheads touched, looking his best friend in the eye. He could see the tense stress line round his eyes, the bloodshot vessels in the whites, the bright familiarity in his pupils. Sirius lifted his chin slightly so their lips were millimetres apart, his breath dancing over the skin. Remus’s mouth went dry, and they hovered there for seconds that felt like they lasted minutes, the only sound around them was the faint tinkle of the fountion in front of them and their own breaths, before he tilted his chin up and pressed their lips together. Sirius didn’t react for a moment, long enough that Remus almost pulled away thinking he’d misjudged the entire situation, before Sirius pressed back. And then they were kissing,  _ actually kissing _ _,_ Remus thought to himself, it didn’t matter that his lips were dry, or that there was a torn edge of dry skin on Sirius’s lower lip; Remus was  kissing _ Sirius Black.  _

Sirius reach to pull Remus closer, his left hand curled round his friends neck, turning and pulling his knee onto the bench at the same time Remus wrapped a leg around Sirius’s waist, so they were flush against each other. Remus’s hand still resting on Sirius’s cheek moved up to clutch in his hair, maybe a little more aggressively than he’d intended. Remus could feel the slight shudder than went down his friends spine and a single clench of his jaw, he made a mental note of it for potential future use. 

When Remus felt like he’d lose himself if he continued, he finally broke away, relaxing the fingers in Sirius’s hair, returning to carding them through his hair instead. Breathless, they leant against each other, foreheads still pressed together, eyes closed.

Once they’d regained a steady heart rate, Sirius laughed,

“I can’t believe you took advantage of the situation.” Remus jerked his head forward, effectively shoving him. Sirius sniggered, “I’m being serious, I come down here to cry about being an orphan, and you not only stalk me, but say really sweet comforting rubbish, and then kiss me in a way that makes me think you’ve been wanting to do that for a few years.” He forehead shoved him back, “I’m trying to be distraught down here.” He joked. Remus smiled and pulled away slowly, 

“You didn’t seem to mind.” He said lightly taunting, as he leant back against the armrest again, opening his legs and patting his chest to invite Sirius to lay back across him; once settled resting his hands on the older boys chest and his chin lightly on the top of Sirius’s head. They sat in silence for a few minutes both watching the stream of water shoot lazily from the marble wand of Godric Gryffindor in the centre of the fountain. 

“Why do you come down here of all places?” Remus asked quietly, 

“Because normally no one else does.” Sirius teased. Remus tutted,

“No, but really. Why down here?” He pressed. Sirius went back to looking at the statue of Gryffindor,

“They just look so peaceful y’know, whoever carved them caught them at just the right time, they were still young enough to be beautiful, and carefree, but you can feel their presence and, I dunno, their power?” He paused, considering his explanation, “And the ones on the caskets, they just look..sated, like they’ve finished everything they needed to, and now they can leave happily.” Remus looked down at his friend, unsure if he should be concerned, “I envy them.” He glanced up and saw worry in Remus’s eyes, and quickly continued, “Sometimes I just want everything to stop, and want to feel how they feel laying on the caskets, fulfilled, like I don’t have to worry any more. At peace.” Realising that Sirius wasn’t exactly implying he wanted to be dead, Remus relaxed again. He ran a finger back and forth between his collarbones, ghosting his finger across the soft skin there. 

“You’ll get there,” he murmured into Sirius’s hair, “We’ll get there together if you want to.” he promised. 

Sirius didn’t reply, instead he took the letter from the bench beside them, where it still sat, suspended it with his wand, then breathed an incantation that set it on fire. It rotated above them until it was a floating pile of ash. Then he guided it so it hung above the icy water, “ _ Ave atque vale _ , Father.” he muttered, before releasing the ash into the fountain. Remus looked down at him startled, 

“Is that Latin?” he asked, impressed and confused.

“I do read. Saw it in a book about Ancient Roman customs. Thought it was nice.” He huffed, “and you ruined my heart felt, timeline altering, moment of goodbye.” 

Remus rolled his eyes, moving his finger from his collar, to the column of the boys neck, “What does it mean then?” he asked softly. 

“Hail and farewell.” he translated, his voice steady and somber, “It means I’m saying goodbye to my old family, and hello to my new one, starting with you, in a flat, in North London. If you promise you’ll stay.” He tilted his head, enjoying the sensation of Remus’s fingers on his skin. 

“As long as you want me to.” He promised.

After more silent, contented sitting, Remus checked his watch, it had been almost 2 hours since he’d left the Great Hall. 

“Come on, you know James won’t let us hear the end of it if we don’t turn up to watch him practice for a bit.” He sat forward, sitting them both up, he swung his legs round and stood up, reaching a hand down to help Sirius up, keeping a firm grasp once he was one his feet. 

As Remus led them away, Sirius stared at the faces of the founders, his eyes raking greedily at their calm demeanours. Remus bravely, slipped an arm around Sirius’s waist, letting him stop to look at Hufflepuff, 

“Come on Pads, I promise we’ll get there one day.” 


End file.
